Two weeks ago, I had one of those weeks. On Monday morning, I lost my car keys so severely that I went as far to put our trash bags in my vehicle to see if my keyless start would work. I had to call a dear family friend to take the kids to daycare, while I searched and make up the lost time from work after bedtime. Tuesday morning brought with it an $85 ticket for not seeing someone in the crosswalk, ten minutes after daycare drop-off. (For the record, I was not on my phone when this happened.) My husband was traveling for work during all of these debacles and I just felt completely alone. For all intents and purposes, I felt like I was simply going through the motions of every day life… not really executing the whole “live life to the fullest” idea.
If I’m being completely honest, I feel like I have one of those weeks more than I like to admit. I know these small trials are nothing compared to the big stuff others go through on a daily basis. I have a beautiful family, a roof over our heads, and food to sustain us. At my core, I know this is all I need. However, I am constantly seeking more. This concept of more is the root of the problem, isn’t it? Why isn’t it less? Why do we push ourselves to take on another project at work? Add another activity to our kids’ plates? Tackle another project around the house? There is always something else that needs to be done.
I miss the days when I don’t know that the laundry is waiting on me upstairs or that I need to pack the lunches before I fall asleep on the couch with my work computer in my lap. I miss the conversations I’d have with faraway friends on weeknights. I am often too tired to form coherent sentences by the time my children are in bed. I frankly want to smack the person who came up with the phrase “you’ll sleep when you’re dead”… because quite frankly, I feel like a zombie 5 days out of 7. If I’m being entirely honest, it is often 7 out of 7. I’m not complaining. I’m just stating the truth.
I frankly want to smack the person who came up with the phrase “you’ll sleep when you’re dead”… because quite frankly, I feel like a zombie 5 days out of 7. If I’m being entirely honest, it is often 7 out of 7. I’m not complaining. I’m just stating the truth.
Here’s the deal: I know I’m creating a great deal of this crazy on my own. Working outside of the home is a choice I make willingly for our family. I love my children fiercely, but working — especially when we live states away from our families — allows me to maintain a small shred of sanity. (We have an incredible daycare, for which I am eternally grateful.) It allows me to have some meaningful interactions with adults during my workday and squeeze in a few errands on either direction. When I arrive at daycare pickup, I am excited and ready for my time with my little ones. On the flip side — if I wasn’t working — would there be fewer things on my plate? Would I be ever-so-slightly less busy or would I fill my plate up with other things? My guess would be the latter.
In spin class that same week, my astute instructor called out “You’re the only one telling yourself you can’t!” No word of a lie: I teared up in class, while forging through a tough climb. She is so right — except I took it another way. My problem is that I never tell myself “I can’t”. I inevitably say “I can”. The truth is that I can’t do it all — because if I try to do it all, I can’t do it all well. This is something my reformed perfectionist self still struggles with on a daily basis.
The truth is that I can’t do it all — because if I try to do it all, I can’t do it all well.
I always strive for an A+ and have never been strong at “settling” for a B. I’d rather have a few As than all Bs and Cs. I’ll take the analogy even further here. I can’t take as many ‘electives’ as I want (think work projects, development courses, etc.) and still maintain great scores in my ‘core classes’ (think my marriage, my children, and our home). Read: I need to focus on what matters — raising a healthy, happy family with my husband and keeping that roof over our heads — above all else. This includes taking care of myself, be it with a spin class or a coffee with a friend, so I’m fully engaged when I am with my little ones.
My keys eventually appeared in that laundry bin which was waiting on me upstairs. (Oh, the irony!) I paid the ticket — because I legitimately didn’t see the man in the crosswalk. Life moved on. The world kept spinning. I’m sure I’ll have another one of those weeks again soon, but I will trudge forward — like I always do. I will continue to remind myself there is no shame in “I can’t”. I know the day will come when I will sleep in… it just isn’t today. Give me a few years.
I feel you so so so much girl. Thanks for writing this, it’s comforting to know we’re not alone in this struggle. And I think you’re doing A+ more than you probably give yourself credit for! Xo
Bless. We all have those day, even weeks. Sometimes I feel like the hamster in wheel with no end in sight but you are right to remember it’s a journey not a race. The hardest part I think is to not wish it away. I often find myself wishing the chaos away for the old days but know time is fleeting. Many of us are heads bobbing in the water between work, family and ourselves. I’ve started to follow Rachel Hollis and have felt better. Ironically I feel she has so much in line with juggling all thing that I should feel bad but I don’t. I feel her words of encouragement and her story help motivate me to try better and just be. Wishing you better (less expensive) days ahead.
Amen to this girl. You are doing such an amazing job. I’m honestly scared for the second one to come because I feel like we are JUST settling into some sort of routine. Such is life.
Hi Ali–Ugh, sister, I hear you! I am having one of those weeks right now! I am a chronic “over-doer,” and it is something I have struggled with since college. My husband was deployed for most of this year, and one of my goals was to try and slow down, and really work on setting healthy boundaries. Learning how to say “no,” if you will. Have you heard of the book Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist? It. is. amazing! I feel like my heart has been radically changed after reading it, and it really helped me grow in this area, and also grow in grace for myself. I cannot recommend it more highly, it’s been pivotal for me. It’s a quick read, as well. I would send it to you if I could! Go grab it, take a breath, and know that you are doing such a great job. xo
Well said, Alison! You manage to make it look easy my friend, so cut yourself some slack. You are the eternal perfectionist but that is what makes you the you we all love!
Thank you for sharing and putting this out there! Some days I feel as though I can’t see the forest for the trees.
You’re not alone and neither are the other working moms out there. Love you, stay strong and take a deep breath- you’re doing a fantastic job. xoxo
I seriously love this post. It hit on everything I’ve been feeling this week. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you so much for this. I am also a person who tries their hardest to do everything and I strive for perfection all of the time. I have recently had a problem with my eyesight and am under hospital treatment, I told a friend that I can’t drive at night at the moment and she told me there was no such thing as can,t. What does she want me to do hurt someone? I have now realised that if you can’t put up with your friends then get new ones!!!!!!! Ha ha!